Thursday, March 10, 2011

Thoughtful About . . . Waiting and Fear

As many of you know, about four weeks ago I pressed "send" on a manuscript submission. Exhaling a major sigh of relief, I then focused on my son's birthday. Went to church the next day. Got sick that evening. For the next three weeks, I battled infection and flu and who knows what else, throat blazing with pain and nose a veritable facet. Fun stuff.

But you know, it kept my mind off things, LOL.

This week I've felt so great that I'm daily praising the Lord for renewed health. Sure, the nose still has a little gunk, but I can breathe through it. I can taste and smell again. My stomach isn't revolting, I have no fever. My eyes are back to full strength after the bizarre swelling, so I can read. I can edit.

I can check my email every five minutes to see if there's anything from a certain editor yet . . . ;-)

See, this is going to be a relatively quick turnaround one way or another. I'll have a yes or no pretty soon. I think. (Unless, my imagination points out, I just never hear and they let me assume a no . . . aaaaggghhhh!) Which means that every single day, I'm praying and praying and praying, giving God not only my fears but my hopes. Turning the whole thing over to him, to his will, his dreams for me, because my little brain is stuck between "It's finally going to happen" and "It's never going to happen."

I'm an optimist--this is no secret, LOL. But there's still that niggling Doubt Monster who whispers, "Every time you hope about something like this, you're disappointed. Your hope jinxes you." Stupid Doubt Monster! But what are my choices? To not hope? I can't do that. It's not in my nature. So instead, I hope, but give it to God. I trust him with it.

Last Friday I had a great moment. I was sitting at my desk, glanced over at my email, and thought, "If an email came in from the editor right now, I would be terrified to open it. Terrified. Lord, I'm so stinking afraid about all of this!"

My Bible lay open on the corner of my desk, still at the Psalms where I'd left off the day before. I pulled it over and glanced down at the next chapter. Here's what it said:

The Lord is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the strength of my life;
Of whom shall I be afraid? . . .
One thing I have desired of the Lord,
That will I see:
That I may dwell in the house of the Lord
All the days of my life,
To behold the beauty of the Lord,
And to inquire in His temple.

I had a real "Wow" moment from that. Literally two seconds after whispering the words, "I'm afraid," God directed my gaze toward those verses. And reminded me that my goal in life is not a contract with a major publisher. It's dwelling in the house of the Lord. It's beholding his beauty. It's being his, doing his will.

God is so cool. =) Sure, waiting still stinks. But I'm waiting with the Lord. I'm doing his work while I do so.

In other awesome news (which is some of that work I've been doing), our publishing company, WhiteFire Publishing, is tickled to welcome Dina Sleiman to the family. Her medieval love story, Dance of the Dandelion, will make its debut this summer, right on the heels of Christine Lindsay's romance during the British Raj in India, Shadowed in Silk. I'm so excited to be working with these awesome ladies! =) (And not just because it keeps me busy while waiting to hear from another editor myself, LOL.)

Thanks to all who prayed for me while I was sick. You guys are the best!

3 comments:

  1. Thanks, Roseanna. I'm incredibly excited too. I've barely slept in days. I love Whitefire's goals and mission.

    In fact, I'm not sure what I would have done if this didn't work out. God gave me a strong sense over a year ago that this book belonged to WhiteFire--to the point that I was going to be a little disappointed if a big company wanted it. I'm so glad you and Christine and I will be a part of this together.

    Oh, and I was definitely struggling with waiting and fear during the winter this year, but for the week before you contacted me, I had this odd feeling of anticipation.

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  2. Totally understand the fear thing. This time around, I'm doing better ... but I still had a dream last night that my editor rejected the full. So. Apparently the fear's are lingering somewhere in there :)

    And I'm super excited about both Dance of the Dandelion and Shadowed in Silk! They sound like excellent reads.

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  3. As always, I love reading your posts. I'm so glad to hear you are on the mend from what sounds like a horrific sickness. Bleh! Thank you for the inspiring reminder today through this important story of yours. :) Can't wait to hear the outcome for you!

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